A Birthday in Heaven

February 2008 found our family very excitedly announcing the coming of a baby! I was so excited about having a fall baby. The due date was October 8th. Since I have had most of my babies via c-section, they are usually about 8-10 days earlier than the due date. I don't mention it often, but I've been thinking about it lately, that I decided to share. We ought to be celebrating birthday #3 any day now.

We lost our baby at 11 weeks. Above is the size of an unborn baby at 12 weeks, so pretty close to the size our baby was. I am always amazed at how you can count all the fingers and toes and how perfectly formed they are at this age. Of course, I know their skin is not so creamy and their head not in proportion quite so well, but the heart beats the same and the length of our little one was exactly the length of this model.

I have this keyring on my chain and it goes everywhere with me. I also have a magnet like it on my fridge. While it hurts to remember, my baby is too precious to forget!

Here is baby Karrick's scrapbook.

We gave our baby a name, so that we would always know exactly who we were talking about, and because he was someone real. It helped the kids a lot, I think, to name their sibling and brought some closure to us all. I felt silly doing it until I talked to others who had done the same. I'm so thankful for those who shared with me. It helped me to know that I was not alone and nothing was "wrong" with me because I was greiving. I think sometimes we fear to talk about these losses because we fear rejection or misunderstanding, but I have found that you can never go wrong in being tender to these things. Being "strong enough to hurt" is what helps us understand the pain others face, whether it is this type of loss or pain of another nature altogether. When I went through my valley of grief and loss, it was those who hurt and still cried over their losses who were able to reach me, not the ones who tried to hide their pain and be "so strong and silent."

I announced the baby's coming to my blog on February 25th 2008.On the 28th, I posted about the ever present morning sickness and how my hubby made potato soup--my latest craving. (All of these pictures enlarge when clicked.)On March 14th we rushed to the ER at the first sign of miscarriage. I am so glad we did! We got to see on ultrasound a tiny, but perfect baby and hear a strong heartbeat. We were already in love, but we fell in love all over again seeing that precious tiny being on the screen. It was almost as if we could hear the love returned to us in the steady beat of that tiny heart. While baby was perfect, there were complications with the placenta and they gave us a 50/50 chance of carrying baby to term.Four days later, there were no warning signs, and everything seemed great. We went back for a follow-up appointment. The dr said that I was doing so good there was no need for taking another look at baby right then. The fact that we were not hearing a heartbeat with doppler, did not concern him as I was only 11 weeks--the time when you may or may not hear it. I insisted. I tried to think it was "silly fear" but I felt like "something bad had happened" on the past Sunday. My doctor kindly indulged me in taking a peek to aleve my fears. That is when we saw (and heard) that the heartbeat had stopped. I'll never forget the dreadful silence.I had been carrying my baby, but Jesus bent down and was now carrying him for me. Maybe you think knowing that should have made it easy..... It didn't.We came home with an appointment for outpatient surgery the next day. It was one of the hardest days/nights of my life. It was easter time, so we colored eggs with the kids. My idea, and a feeble attempt to occupy everyone's mind. That evening, we sent the kids to Grandpa and Grandma's house and spent most of the night crying in each other's arms. I was blessed to have a husband who was not afraid to share the pain. He was "strong enough to hurt" along with me and I loved that fact. Sometimes true strength can't say that "Everything will be okay" it can just hold you and say, "I'm sorry."

My doctor was so kind. While they prepped me for surgery, he sat on a stool by my side and held my hand. Just before they administered the anesthetic, he put his head down on the bed and cried with me saying, "I'm so sorry, Karen."

I dealt with a lot of guilt over that fact that I HAD babies at home. Some women never get that priviledge. I should have been grateful. He (dr) told me later that he sees mommies who know from experience what a treasure babies are suffer more than those who do not have children. When you know what it's like to lay your eyes on that baby for the first time, to stroke it's soft skin and to take it "home," and you can't do that this time, it's heartbreaking. Of course, I do not say this to cheapen the pain of losing your first baby, I wanted children before I had them, but there is no way you can ever really know HOW much you want them until after you've had one.I have several pages like this in Karrick's scrapbook; Comments and messages from caring friends. Many who could say, "I've been there! I understand. I'm sorry." I was on about 3 weeks of semi-bed rest afterwards. I think the quietness made it harder than if I could have stayed busy, but I had wonderful people to help and support me.So, here we are 3 years, and a new baby later ; I still think of baby Karrick so often. One of my children has gone before be to Heaven. It still hurts. I still wish I could hold you, but I can think of you with joy now too, and look forward to a glad reunion! "Happy Birthday!" sweet little Karrick! We know you will have a wonderful party with Jesus! We can't wait to get there and party with you~meanwhile we hold you close in our hearts!